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January 21, 2009
I am living with guilt. The guilt of committing a murder. No, it’s not a human being who i have murdered, nor it is an animal, insect, bird or any other living being. I have murdered a feeling, a relationship, a mutual respect; i have murdered a true friendship.
I am the one who always say that i can do anything for my friends and my friends are the most important people in my life. But i have proved myself wrong. I am the one who always used to think and say that a true friendship is far superior to a true love, because a true friendship has lot of different things in it; the feeling of love, feeling of joy and fun, feeling of being secure, feeling of caring and being cared, feeling of importance and feeling of friendship itself, they all constitute a true friendship. But i have screwed it all. I have gone against my own ethics and chose something else rather than choosing my friendship.
I do not want to end my friendship with my true friends ever, but after what i have done, i know i will not be forgiven, and nothing can be same as before. May be we will keep on saying that we are still great friends but i know i won’t be accepted as the same old friend. I have murdered a precious friendship and i do not know how i am getting away with that. I do not want to get away from this crime i committed and i want to be punished for that, or maybe i am being punished by suffering one of the biggest loss i ever suffered.
January 16, 2009
When you will die, you will not take anything with you, not your money, your relatives and your friends. Wise men, thus, suggest not worrying about materialistic things that won’t be with you forever. But, if we are not taking even our friends and relatives with us then why should we worry for them.
Just as money and other materialistic things will not be with us forever and will not follow us, even our friends cannot be with us forever. Those who say that they are with us forever are liars. Forget about the day when you will die, they cannot be with you forever even when you are alive.
I am eating all this shit right now, i cannot swallow that i can’t be with my dear friends forever, and i cannot digest that i am not the first in mind of those who mean everything to me. I know i have to live with this, i have to accept this truth and i know i will, this is what i have been doing all my life. Accepting my losses and letting everything go away.
I do not wish to take everything with me when i die, but i wish i would have someone with me forever, until the time i die. But it’s THE UNDISPUTABLE TRUTH that no one can be with you forever; but it would have better if we at least tried.