.: I am :.

    The very first thing you will notice about me is that i am a FREAK. I am the person who just hates eveything and everyone around. The only thing i love is HATRED. I just love to HATE and to be HATED.

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    Bones and blood lie on the ground, Rotten limbs lie dead, Decapitated bodies found On my wall, your head!
    Modulistic terror, A vast sadistic feast, No emotion, Your flesh is all I need
    You have no choice of life or death My face you will not see, I'll rip your flesh 'till there's no breath, Dismembered destiny, As soon as life has left your corpse. I'll make you part of me

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December 11, 2011

I am riding motor-bike through an empty dark road at middle of night. The only part of the road i can see is the area that the head lights of my bike can cover. And when i look in the rear-view mirror i can see only darkness.

I turn back and give a look to my friend, who is accompanying me as pillion rider. There is complete silence, but sometimes we can hear some strange voices. That may be the reason both of us are not talking to each other at all, contemplating what these strange voices are and from where are they coming.

After a while, we see something lying on the road in a jute bag. And then the silence is broken. My friend asks, “Is that dead body?”. Even i doubt the same but i replied, “No, that was just a bag, forget about it.”, and i turn the accelerator as far as i can.

Again, i look in the rear-view mirror, and i see nothing but darkness. Suddenly, i notice the text on the mirror saying - “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.”. I feel fear running through my spine, and i ask my friend, “can you relate this text written on the mirror, with what you see in it?”. I get no reply back. I look back to get an answer, but i see there is no one riding with me, and i realised yes how can it be because i started the journey alone. But why did i see my friend in mind, riding with me? Is it just “Fear of the Dark” or was it really an object that came too near to me?

October 24, 2009

In this life many a times people will pass by, will get friendly with you, and as life demands finally depart. Few people will be special to you and few will say that you are special to them.

What does being “Special” mean? Does special mean that they enjoy your company, love to hang around with you and give you special importance among all other friends? Or does being special to someone mean that you will be the most important person in their life, and for you they can leave any kind of relations behind.

Well, latter is, i guess, can never be true, because that’s not what being special mean. There are always more important persons in life of others than you. And if any one of you wants to say that this can happen only in case of True Love then i will say that True Love does not exist at all. Anyways, again what is True Love? Is it my second definition of being special? I believe that True Love is just bullshit, and are just ways to feel good and let others think that they are special to you.

If in your life you will have to sacrifice everything for someone who is not part of your family and who you claim to share True Love with and who you claim to be the special person in your life, i am sure no one is going to do that. No one is going to leave everything for a person who they know for few months, or few years. No one can bring the relations of lifetimes may be with their families and friends at stake.

And still people dare to say that they love you the most and do anything for you, but when they have to do something they get weak and cannot do what they always used to say. Even if they ask you to tell them something they can do for you so that they can prove their love for you, and if you let them know this is what you want them to do, then still they will make a choice based on their own judgment of right or wrong and if they think it’s right according to them, then only they will do. What does this mean? If they are ready to do anything for you, and if they wanted you to decide what you want, then why can’t they do it for you, if they really love you? Still they won’t do, and still they have the courage of lying on your face and say “i can’t be with you but i still Love you Forever”.

No one is special for anyone, and if someone has to say that they can’t live without you then again it’s a fucking bullshit lie. The species of Homo sapiens can live alone, or with any other person in their life, which may be not the same person who he/she used to say is the most important in their life and he/she can’t live without her/him. It just proves one thing, there is no Love, and it’s just how you have to survive in this life. And if you still think there is Love then surely Love can be shared with any person in this life with whom you think you can survive, and do not ruin your long lasting relations, no matter you think that this person is special for you or not. Even, if you do not feel anything, you will have to say “LOVE YOU FOREVER“.

April 6, 2009

Again, i am feeling the same shit. I feel like smashing everything i can find, i feel like breaking everythin i can see, i feel like shattering everythin i can feel; i m feeling so frustrated right now that i am not able to figure out what should i do.

I think i can never come out of this world, the world full of sadness, misery and insanity. I am not able to decide whether i love anyone or not. I am not able to decide whether i hate everyone or not. But one thing i know is that i want to do something destructive to let go off the frustrations that i am feeling right now.

Or maybe i should start practicing what i normally preach: “Just think about yourself, and don’t give a fuck what others do, think and feel.” Or should i hide my frustrations within myself with a fucking smile on my face. Decision must be made, because the frustrations that i am having right now are frustrating me at their peak.

January 21, 2009

I am living with guilt. The guilt of committing a murder. No, it’s not a human being who i have murdered, nor it is an animal, insect, bird or any other living being. I have murdered a feeling, a relationship, a mutual respect; i have murdered a true friendship.

I am the one who always say that i can do anything for my friends and my friends are the most important people in my life. But i have proved myself wrong. I am the one who always used to think and say that a true friendship is far superior to a true love, because a true friendship has lot of different things in it; the feeling of love, feeling of joy and fun, feeling of being secure, feeling of caring and being cared, feeling of importance and feeling of friendship itself, they all constitute a true friendship. But i have screwed it all. I have gone against my own ethics and chose something else rather than choosing my friendship.

I do not want to end my friendship with my true friends ever, but after what i have done, i know i will not be forgiven, and nothing can be same as before. May be we will keep on saying that we are still great friends but i know i won’t be accepted as the same old friend. I have murdered a precious friendship and i do not know how i am getting away with that. I do not want to get away from this crime i committed and i want to be punished for that, or maybe i am being punished by suffering one of the biggest loss i ever suffered.

January 16, 2009

When you will die, you will not take anything with you, not your money, your relatives and your friends. Wise men, thus, suggest not worrying about materialistic things that won’t be with you forever. But, if we are not taking even our friends and relatives with us then why should we worry for them.

Just as money and other materialistic things will not be with us forever and will not follow us, even our friends cannot be with us forever. Those who say that they are with us forever are liars. Forget about the day when you will die, they cannot be with you forever even when you are alive.

I am eating all this shit right now, i cannot swallow that i can’t be with my dear friends forever, and i cannot digest that i am not the first in mind of those who mean everything to me. I know i have to live with this, i have to accept this truth and i know i will, this is what i have been doing all my life. Accepting my losses and letting everything go away.

I do not wish to take everything with me when i die, but i wish i would have someone with me forever, until the time i die. But it’s THE UNDISPUTABLE TRUTH that no one can be with you forever; but  it would have better if we at least tried.

November 24, 2008

There are lot of people who call me a net freak. Yes, they are right because i am the one. I spend a lot of time surfing sites, posting on forums, planning to do something for my blogs and websites. I do all this because i love it and i enjoy it a lot. If i do not have anything left to surf, then i switch to playing online games over the internet.

Well, not only i like playing games on the internet, but i do like other games too and that’s what i do if the internet is somehow not working. So there is a set of people who call me as a game freak. Yes, that’s what i am, i love to play games and i always try to be good at what i am playing.

I was just giving a thought that why i am like this, why i am addicted so much to internet and playin games. On giving some thought i realised that i am like this because i have nothing else to do. I do not have anyone here with whom i can hang around with; i do not have anyone by my side who will always be with me. I know many of my friends will say that they are for me forever, but it’s not like that. They have their own lives, they are busy with the things they do and even if they love me and want to be with me, they can’t do it.

So in the end it just means that i am alone and to pass my time i have to stick to playing games and browsing sites. May be just for this reason of being alone, internet and games have become my hobby and everyone associates me with them. Sometimes, if i ask few of my friends that what should i do, i am getting bored; i get a simple answer why don’t you play games. Well, i would have really loved to listen to some other answer, but that’s what i always have to be contended with.

Anyways, this is what my life is, being known as a gaming freak and a net freak. And now i am thinking that this may be the reason why i have chosen this medium of blog to talk about myself, coz this blog resides in internet, where my true identity is, i am lost in this web and will always be because i know no one will take me out of this and i myself won’t, because outside this web there’s nothing for me, even if i try i cannot see. Yes, i am an internet freak, i am a gaming freak and in my real life i am nothing but just a FREAK.

November 17, 2008

Space, that’s what everyone is looking for. Space in every aspect of life, but here i am talkin about space in terms of place to live in. Everyone is occupying some space of his own and has set up his own boundaries and no onle likes encroachment on his space.

No one likes encroachment, neither do i. Yes there are some creatures out here who have encroached on my property. There are ants living underneath my notebook’s keypad. These creepy little bastards are using my laptop to live in and this is the height of encroachment.

Earlier i used to notice some ants coming out from below the keys and it didnt matter much because i thought there will be few of them and in few days they will go away. I used to pick them up and pestle them between my thumb and index finger.

But this time, to my dismay, i saw an ant carrying some food roaming on my laptop. I tried to catch it but it ran away under my space bar key. That made me think that these fucking hard working guys are collecting food and that too under my notebook’s keypad. Doesn’t that mean that these trespassers have built their whole colony; queen, guards, workers all living under one roof, which sadly is my keypad.

This is really serious and one of the greatest examples of encroachment. I surely gonna put an end to this. This even led me to perform google search for “ants under my laptop keypad” and i found out that it’s really a known problem. Now, i know ways to get rid of these bastards and make my laptop free of them.

September 19, 2008

Once upon a time in my life not so long ago, i was feeling too low and i was crying from within. I did not know what to do and so i was wandering hopelessly and aimlessly. Just by a chance, i was noticed by two of my friends passing by. One of them came to me and asked what happened. I do not remember what i replied but he figured it out that i was feeling down at that moment. He did not say anything but just hugged me for few seconds and left. When he had left i was feeling better but still there were tears in my eyes, not because i was feeling down but because i was touched by the warmth of friendship he showed to me that day. It was only at that time i realised what a simple, but not so simple, hug from a friend can do. I realised a hug from a friend is a best therapy to feel better and i still believe in this therapy.

I have really started to believe in this ‘Jaadu Ki Jhappi’ treatment and believe me you all should definitely give it a try once. If you see any of your good friend feeling down and lost somewhere and you think he/she needs some emotional support then just try giving him a hug and trust me this will make a difference. Or get yourself hugged from a true freind of yours when you are feelind down and then you will realise what i mean.

Anyways, i do not know if that friend of mine about who i am talkin about will be able to recall that moment but what i know is that he will be reading this post. If he is able to figure it out then i will love to see his comment down here :-)

September 14, 2008

Enough of bullshit. I guess i get carried away so easily and this is ruining the quality of my blog. The recent posts have been all crap and i think i come up with the conclusions too soon without even tryin to know the story at the other side.

Well, so my blog will have no more shit of this kind and i will continue posting my freaky philosophy of life rather than cryin over things that do not mean anything.

For all those who i might have hurted through the medium of my blog here goes what i earlier posted -> “Please Forgive Me” , and i hope you will forgive me.

So this is the last shit here, i hope so.

Most of my posts on my blog talk about the same thing and they seem to be all same. What’s different in them? If there is nothing that is different then why do i keep on writing what is all same? My posts are all same because usually i feel the same everytime. Or may be i write on my blog only when i am having that similar feeling that always provked me to write something on this blog. Well again, i am back with something that will resemble my last post.

i always think that i have some significance in this life, i think that i am significant to many, specially my friends, but what i feel is completely different. I think that i am significant, but i feel that i am insignificant. I do not know which of them is true. I do not know what i think is true or what i feel is true. Am i significant or am i insignificant, or is it that i am INSIGNIFICANTLY SIGNIFICANT?

i seriously do not know why i feel this way but sometimes somethings happen that do make me believe that i have no importance, people dont give a fuck to my existence and i am no one but just another person in their lives. The reason that may explain why i feel to be an isignifcantly siginificant person can be that i always think that i can go to any extent when my friends are concerened and i think i can do any thing for my friends. I not only think but i know i can and i will. But the problem is i always expect to get the same thing back from my friends. I think that if i can do so much why cant my friends do it for me. I sometimes feel that unnecessarily i keep on doing so much for my freinds and in return i get nothing. There are small things in life that may not mean anything for others but they do mean something to me. And these small things sometimes make me feel that i have no importance and i mean nothing and i do not exist for many.

Well, even if it still goes like this i will always keep on loving my friends, i will always try to think that i am siginificant to them, even if i get a feeling of being insignificant. I will love to live an Insignificantly Significant life rather than thinkin that i am no one.

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